One of the best and worst parts about my current position is that there are so many things I could do with my life, and I have no idea how many paths will make things worse. Right now, where I am doesn’t work. My blog needs changing (as always seems to be the case), my improv troupe is–let’s just say–unsatisfying, and day in and day out, I’m honestly sort of lonely. Problem is, what do I do?
The blog is the easiest fix. Right now I’m thinking of changing the weekly schedule, adding a ‘Learning!’ section to the blog and replacing Tuesday Life posts with another fiction section (meaning I’ll be writing fiction at least twice a week!). There, problem mostly solved, if all goes well. As far as the loneliness thing, it’s not a big deal. It’s a tertiary problem to the ones I already have, so I’m not too worried about it. I suspect it’ll solve itself eventually, anyway.
The biggest problem in my life is my improv troupe, in all honesty. I don’t want to get into any details (since, however unlikely, it’s possible some could read this) Imagine you work at a coffee shop, and the original employees were all best friends and every day you worked was always a blast. You have some great memories, and you can look back on it with a smile. But eventually, as you work, people leave, find better jobs, move away. Eventually you’re the manager and you have to teach all these new people how to make the coffee and they’re just not up to your own standards. What do you do? Quit? Fire people that are under-performing? Is hiring new people justified in that case?
I don’t want to quit. The people in that troupe are pretty much the only friends I have. On top of that, improv has changed me so much for the better, and I don’t want to let go of that part of myself. In the beginning of that theater class, I was looking for a way to leave and avoiding social interaction completely. Now I regret not having taken a second theater and even considered auditioning for a sort of game show (albeit briefly). There’s no doubt that my life would be vastly different from the way it is now, and in all likelihood it wouldn’t be nearly as good as it is now.
So, I don’t really have any clue where I’ll be standing a few months from now. I really think some big change in my life is on the horizon, but I don’t know where to look for it. I feel like in some aspects of my life, the foundation I’ve built my position on is cracking. At this point, filling in the gaps isn’t working. It seems to me the most logical solution is to find a new foundation to start over, and while it sucks to begin again, fixing all the cracks in something that hasn’t been tended properly for so long is simply not worth the cost, if its doable at all.
Do you ever get that feeling?